No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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