Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
