who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
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I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
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I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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