He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Randomize
