i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
