Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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