If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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