I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
this beer tastes like vomit already
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
