I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
