There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
