Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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