I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize