Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
