It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Farmville is her only friend.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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