Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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