I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
