If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I will pee on everything he values.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
