when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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