sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
