when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Houston, we have a blender
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
