I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
