"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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