if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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