Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
