just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
