I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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