he looks like a really good dad on facebook
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
