he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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