you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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