Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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