just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
