I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
