Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
