You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize