so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
