grandma shit on top of the toilet
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Holy sore nipples Batman
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Randomize
