You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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