the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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