The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
