There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
