The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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