Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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