Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
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