i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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