his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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