I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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