somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
