So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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