did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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