I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm passing your future prison.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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