This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
