I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
