I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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