Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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