Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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